Ever had a moment when all your deepest, darkest fears, the worst-case scenario, your wildest imagination flash in front of your eyes- ones which you never unveiled to anybody in the fear of it coming true, or rather in the fear of being cajoled into believing that it isn't true, even when deep-down you know it is?
***
My father is a Captain in the Merchant Navy. Ever since I remember I have been watching him pack and bid goodbye for months to come. In those times, there was no method of communication whatsoever and I swear my mother thanked the gods when the service of the humble e-mail was made available. It used to be crazy living in anticipation of a letter, and not being able to see his face for six months, sometimes even longer.
When I was about five, I overheard my dad talking to a few guests over dinner. He spoke about this massive fire on his vessel and the fact that it had taken him hours to put it off, skillfully nonetheless. I guess that was when the fear was sown in my mind. Over the years he tried to shield me from the monstrosities of his occupational hazard, but somehow I came to know. Pirates, ice, fire, storms- were all a part of the so-called monstrosities.
One time, his ship was sailing across the African coast, along Somalia and its neighbors. I couldn't sleep at night, and my days were filled with unrest. The time when I received a mail saying they had crossed those waters and were headed toward Australia, I let out a sigh of relief. They did have a piracy scare, but the pirates' boat just passed by theirs, like literally five miles from theirs.
Every time he packed his bags to leave, I am in tears. Years since, I still cannot help it. I try to hide them, but he sees it. And even after a million talks with him about how he will be cautious, I cannot help it. Its not like I don't trust him to keep safe; Its the others who lack my trust. Along the way, I tried to hide my tears because it made him feel guilty about it, and its made it tougher for him.
Watching Captain Phillips today, was my worst nightmare come true. All those traces of fear in the darkest crevices of my mind were brought up front. The role of the protagonist, although beautifully portrayed by Tom Hanks, reminded me of my father the whole time. It gave an insight into the minds of the pirates.
But the thing that constantly gnawed at me was the fact that the American government sent Navy SEALs and whatnot to save the abducted captain and managed to rescue him. Knowing just how incompetent the Indian government is, piled onto my already sky-high list of things to worry about.
I just feel like my hands are tied. Helplessness consumes me every time I think about the situation.
There is just no fucking way to ward this fear away.
***
My father is a Captain in the Merchant Navy. Ever since I remember I have been watching him pack and bid goodbye for months to come. In those times, there was no method of communication whatsoever and I swear my mother thanked the gods when the service of the humble e-mail was made available. It used to be crazy living in anticipation of a letter, and not being able to see his face for six months, sometimes even longer.
When I was about five, I overheard my dad talking to a few guests over dinner. He spoke about this massive fire on his vessel and the fact that it had taken him hours to put it off, skillfully nonetheless. I guess that was when the fear was sown in my mind. Over the years he tried to shield me from the monstrosities of his occupational hazard, but somehow I came to know. Pirates, ice, fire, storms- were all a part of the so-called monstrosities.
One time, his ship was sailing across the African coast, along Somalia and its neighbors. I couldn't sleep at night, and my days were filled with unrest. The time when I received a mail saying they had crossed those waters and were headed toward Australia, I let out a sigh of relief. They did have a piracy scare, but the pirates' boat just passed by theirs, like literally five miles from theirs.
Every time he packed his bags to leave, I am in tears. Years since, I still cannot help it. I try to hide them, but he sees it. And even after a million talks with him about how he will be cautious, I cannot help it. Its not like I don't trust him to keep safe; Its the others who lack my trust. Along the way, I tried to hide my tears because it made him feel guilty about it, and its made it tougher for him.
Watching Captain Phillips today, was my worst nightmare come true. All those traces of fear in the darkest crevices of my mind were brought up front. The role of the protagonist, although beautifully portrayed by Tom Hanks, reminded me of my father the whole time. It gave an insight into the minds of the pirates.
But the thing that constantly gnawed at me was the fact that the American government sent Navy SEALs and whatnot to save the abducted captain and managed to rescue him. Knowing just how incompetent the Indian government is, piled onto my already sky-high list of things to worry about.
I just feel like my hands are tied. Helplessness consumes me every time I think about the situation.
There is just no fucking way to ward this fear away.
I completely understand, I wake up every single night, without fail, having dreamt of something bad happening to someone I love. Every single night. And if someone is travelling, that's the end of my peace of mind, till they reach safely. So I understand.
ReplyDeleteYour father is a brave, brave man. And you are his brave, brave daughter. But you already know that. Take the worry as the price you have to pay to be infinitely proud of him every single second of your life. But you already know that too.
There is no warding the fear away as long as you are his daughter and he is your dad. You have learnt to live with it, just like your mother has. And it makes me so proud even though I don't know you at all. So proud that this girl here, so young, has that much courage.
And if you believe in God, I promise you, He is watching over him. Keeping him safe till its time for him to get off the seas.
xoxo
I think it is because we care. Care a lil too much at times, but when its our loved ones at stake, its but natural.
DeleteThanks PeeVee.